Life and Death

I have wanted to write more lately, but my life has kept me away from the computer more than I would like.

We found out last week that my beloved Papa, my maternal grandfather, has cancer and only has weeks to live. He is almost 91 years old, has lived an amazing life (has met two Presidents, fought in all major wars the past century, was the first person in his Italian immigrant family to go to college, had 6 children, has been married to my Nana for 68 years...). I know he will be in heaven soon, but there is such a deep sadness for me that this is how he has to die. I had always hoped he wouldn't have to suffer much, and now he is brokenhearted at the thought of leaving his wife alone. He has been her caretaker for years. At the age of 90, he was still swimming three times a week, lifting my Nana to bathe her, cook for her, and love all those around him.

My Papa was the kind of man who would give you the shirt off of his back if you needed it. He is the eternal optimist--even when the doctor told him that he was very very ill with cancer, he has been strong for all of his children who are grieving the fact he will shortly leave them.

I debated and agonized over whether to fly to Virginia to see him before he died. I made the decision not to, but I wrote him a letter trying to express some of my gratitude for his presence in my life. My Mom said that after he read it, he cried and said he wanted it buried with him in his casket. This is more a testament to my grandfather than to the fact that I wrote a great letter.

He will be buried at Arlington National Cemetery, and I will go back for the funeral. I know that death is a part of life, but it is so very hard for me to totally comprehend the loss right now.

I also had to break the news to one of my best friends this past week that I am pregnant. What would normally be exciting news to share was very painful. She lives on the East Coast, so I was able to keep it from her for the past 4 months, but I decided I needed to let her know in order to be true to our friendship and yet it was so difficult to tell her because she has struggled for years with infertility and is having an extremely difficult time understanding why her body is failing her and her arms are empty, without a baby to love.

I don't know why life is so unfair sometimes. That is an incredibly trite thing for me to write, but it is my heart right now. There are good people everywhere who are dying, there are couples who would make excellent parents who continue to go childless, there are people who live at the mercy of the weather forecast, and on and on... I do believe God is still active and present in this world, though, and I have seen glimpses of that daily in the midst of the difficulties of the past week.

Feeling my baby move for the first time this week reminded me that God is continually present in the cycle of the world, the miracle of life-making--that birth and growth always happen in the midst of death and suffering.