I really have no title

Besides being on the quest for the perfect toothpaste (thank you so much for all the insightful comments here), I have been consumed by the suffering that is on every network 24/7 and has been on and off for as long as I can remember.

Today at church, a couple stood up and asked for prayer as they leave to live in Uganda for 3 years and help the people in whatever ways they can. There is genocide, child sex slavery, poverty, AIDS, etc...and they are going to live among the people and work with a "peacemaking" ministry. As I sat there, I thought about how great that was they were being so sacrificial and to be honest, how there was no way in hell I would ever go to Uganda. Then, the "sermon" was about the catastrophes in the world and how as Christians we are called to social justice and involvement and sadness. The stories were told of many Christians who offer humanitarian relief with the gospel as incentive (we will give you food if you listen to the stories of Jesus, etc...) and I was thankful this perspective was discussed and criticized.

And, yet, I sat there feeling helpless and ridiculous. Often, the biggest problem in my day is that I put one dark garment in with a bunch of whites and now we all have blue underwear. Or, my forehead pimples are erupting again and there is no end in sight. Laundry! Acne! The horrors!

The people in the Middle East, the mass genocide (s) in Africa, poverty, sickness, hunger, the tsunami (have we already forgotten that one?), Katrina, and on and on. I feel too overwhelmed to help and yet I want to do something more than tear off a $5 donation card at my local Walgreens when I run in to purchase diapers and all the other things I can afford and need for my family.

I don't want to feel guilty for having a beautiful home, a beautiful family, a husband who provides and offers me the ability to be a mother who is home more than she is not, and yet it is hard not to have a pang of that as my life feels so benign and miniscule in the larger picture of the world.

A large piece of the picture for me is that I feel I already have suffered, so "can't I just enjoy my life already?" That is a ridiculous, arrogant, and presumptuous thing for me to even write, but it is part of the honesty I am trying to embrace as I try to figure out where my suffering fits into my "story".

I DO have beautiful things. I have a diamond ring that is worth more than most people's homes (around the world, people, not in America). I DID have a nice minivan (Ha!) until I forgot how to drive and dented and scraped up the side on a railing at the zoo. I buy organic meat, pay a lot of money to get my hair done, and eat out way more than I should. I never have to wonder where my next meal will come from or if disease or dehydration will claim the life of my children. I am blessed, indeed.

And, yet, there is part of me that feels I have suffered in ways that are so similar to those around the world that I need to step out of my coccoon and use my resources for more than I do. My best friend was murdered by her mother, a family member died of AIDS, I was emancipated by my parents and pregnant at 17 and on welfare, and those are just to name a few.

It is these stories that link me to people who I will never know. I could be an African woman, a person in New Orleans too poor to evacuate, a pregnant teenager anywhere who feels alone in the world and is hurting.

But I am not that person. I have stuffed my suffering deep into pockets of shame and disassociation and in doing so, I have missed many opportunities to let God offer others hope, allow me to heal, and to open up pieces of a heart that long to be known.

Very Important Questions

1) Does anyone (or the 3 people who read this blog) have any great toothpaste recommendations? I am desperate, people. I feel like most toothpastes are minty and fresh initially and then leave this horrible aftertaste that makes me gag.

2) Why are there SPAM comments on blogger? I received a comment yesterday from "phentermine", which I am certain is some kind of drug. Any comments are welcome, but I have to draw the limit somewhere.

All I got is 2.

On another note, I just ate a cinnamon raisin english muffin, a blueberry smoothie, and a bunch of kalamata olives with cheese dip and chips for breakfast. Mmmmm.

Warning: Blog being used for personal venting

I had a very difficult conversation this morning--with Eli's biological father. Eli does not read this blog, so I feel like I can share some of the thoughts that went through my head, minus the expletives.

Basically, Dan is going to be adopting Eli. Eli uses the last name Stratford, but his legal name is my maiden name. So, we want to really make it all "official" and forego the $300 a month I get in child support (which isn't even enough for one grocery trip to Whole Foods :)

Mind you, this person hasn't seen Eli since he was 1 1/2 and Eli has no idea who he is. So, I asked him the question, "Do you plan on having any contact with Eli in the near future?" and his response is a real winner...in a John Malchovich (sp?) voice...

"I don't believe in two households".

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it isn't fair to my own kids to deal with that and I don't believe that kids should go back and forth with all that inconvenience".

Like it wasn't an inconvenience for me have a baby a week after I turned 18. I think it is sad that kids have to go back and forth too, you idiot, but how does it make sense to choose NEVER seeing your child than to see him occasionally and get to have a relationship with him?!

There are loaded issues here of control and many other variables and it is God's infinite grace that this person is NOT involved in our lives, but when I think about my precious precious Eli and that this person has chosen to abandon a relationship with him for these pathetic reasons, my mother instinct kicks in and my heart swells and I want to hold my son and tell him that he is good and wonderful and perfect. In short, that he is my fructajania and my woodgaganochte.

Of course Eli will know nothing of the conversation today, but I will give him an extra big hug after school just for myself in gratitude of each day I have been given with him, my 10 years of motherhood.

Is there such a thing...

...as too much grace?

Upon discussing this with a family member this week, I was told that a recent sermon she heard said the church in America has used grace as a crutch and that there is an emphasis on "too much grace" and not enough "consequences".

I can barely stand this kind of thinking. I actually heard another person say that New Orleans was like Sodom and Gomorrah and thus it was no surprise God chose to destroy it.

WHAT THE $%^&?

Hate to break it to ya, but there is evil in every city and goodness in every city. New Orleans just happened to be built below sea level and by an ocean. That alone is enough reason for destruction, obviously.

I refuse to believe that God is "up there" (well, all around us, really) waiting to dole out hardship and suffering as consequences. I think he is grieved by evil, surely, but I choose to believe He has more sadness over those who do not know Him than the rage of a hurricane.

My old church in Minnesota sang a song titled "God of Rage". This song was always a favorite, because rather than God being portrayed as typically rageful (i.e. lots of OT stories), he is full of raging compassion, love, and a deep desire for those who know Him and those who don't. He rages FOR us, not against us.

It is this thought I choose to take with me today, as I feel surrounded by shame and condemnation and instead I will surround myself with "too much grace".