Million Dollar Baby

Dan and I saw this movie last night. On a scale of 1-5 stars, 5 being the best, I give it a 10. It was amazing. Themes of redemption, lost dreams, realized dreams, sorrow and hope. Clint Eastwood was amazing (I can think of no other adjectives to describe this experience except for "amazing"), as was Hilary Swank. I was so overwhelmed with emotion at this movie that I was holding myself back from dry heaving into loud moans and sobs.

I usually try to "buck the system" and not give props to movies that are so "commercial", but this move was earth shattering for me.

I have gotten into a few debates with Dan and my mom about the ending. I will not give anything away, but it is excellent fodder for discussion.

On another movie note, I saw "Dodgeball" Friday night and was disgusted with myself for actually enjoying it. Though, it was no Napoleon Dynamite. None can compare, IDIOT!

Could it be true?

Could there actually be a "Christian" music artist I think is really good, and maybe even profound?? I have discovered this guy named Mat Kearney--who is sort of a cross between Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, and Eminem. He has a folksy sound with some R and B rappish stuff thrown in. It is sort of strange at first, but catchy at the same time. His lyrics aren't half bad either--definitely not your typical "Hallelujah, I love Jesus" Christian-y stuff.

Now, I can't fully endorse any artist without having bought their CD yet, which I haven't, but I have heard some stuff on the radio and on the 'net and it ain't half bad. I practically gave up on Christian music years ago when "From Burlap to Cashmere" broke up. They had this amazing Mediterranean flavored folksy sound that I really dug.

If there even is anyone from Minnesota who reads this blog, maybe you will appreciate the following story:

Eva has been inconsolable at night when I try to put her to sleep. The other night, after several failed attempts, I went in and sang her a lullaby I made up about Minnesota (I tend to be great at improv song writing), since that is where she was born, of course. I sang to her about the cold, about Eden Prairie, and about how special she is to have been born there. Worked like a charm and she went down without a peep. Now, it could be coincidence, but I like to think it was something deep within her baby soul that felt comforted by the thought of her motherland!

Sun, Sun, Go Away

Who would have thought I would hate the warm weather in winter? Today, it is almost 60 degrees and tomorrow, it will be ALMOST 70 DEGREES!!! Colorado is SO warm; I had forgotten just how mild the weather is. It just doesn't feel right wearing short sleeves in January!

Besides the warm weather and all the sickness around here (2 weeks of strep, diarrhea, phlegm, and all sorts of other pathogenic things), the other news is that I have gotten a job. That's right, Dan, I DO have some personal ambition after all!

My official title is "specialiste," which is French for specialist. A specialist in what, I don't really know. But, I am working for Chanel, making quite good $$ to travel to various stores each week and help with events. It is only about 12 hours a week, so it won't infringe on all my wifely duties.
Not my dream job, but a really good interim thing for me to do.

My dream job used to be a teacher--but I know enough real-life teachers now to have shattered that one really quickly. My other dream job was to be an editor/writer, but then I realized how many other good writers are out there in the world and that I probably ranked at least 799,866th on the list of people who can piece together words that make some sense.

I still can't figure out how to put links on blogs...but google the guy in Denver who didn't know he put a nail through his head with a nail gun and went to the dentist after 6 days, complaining of a tooth ache. He had a 5 inch nail through his head. $100,000 worth of surgery later...he is okay. How could you not know you shot a nail through your head????

If this household doesn't start feeling better soon, I may just grab that nail gun and use my poor aim, just so I can lay down for a while.

Two Different Shopping Experiences

1) This Saturday, I went into Neiman Marcus (Maybe my 3rd time ever) and went up to the makeup counter. The woman says to me, "Oh, you poor thing, look at your skin! What in the world are you using on it?" followed by, "Look at Diana here, isn't her skin beautiful? She uses "such and such" line of products developed by a biochemist."

My response to bitch lady, "Well, even though my face looks like crap, I am really happy with my skin care products which were also developed by a biochemist."

Her response, "Well, MY biochemist is better than yours!"

Just kidding about the last part.

2) After the lady's disparaging comments, I walk into Saks, which is right next door, to the makeup counter. The lady says to me, "You have really nice skin. It just glows." "Really? Because it is really broken out right now." "Well, the tone and texture are just beautiful." She then made no effort to hard sell me any crappola skin care products.

Guess where I would want to spend my money? I actually didn't spend any $$, but I learned that criticizing someone in order to get them to buy products is always a horrible idea.

Madison to Dan this weekend, "Dad, I just feel like you treat me like your little girl still, like I am a three year old. I am almost 11 this week and it really bothers me!"

Let the hormones begin.

Depravity

Eva has been hitting me lately. If I pick her up when she doesn't like it or I take something away from her, she will hit me. My Mom told me today it is because of her "depraved nature"--meaning that we are all born with a depraved nature, because we are all born sinners.

I grew up thinking I couldn't acknowledge anything good about myself until I caveated it with, "of course I am a sinner" or "I don't deserve God's grace" or "I know I am a fallen woman". I remember riding in the car with my Mom and she had a Christian radio station on with a pastor who said, "Begin every day with the realization that you are all filthy, dirty, rotten sinners."

Is that really how I should begin my day? I have struggled for years with shame, guilt, and low self-esteem because of this rationale. I do believe in sin and evil, but COME ON PEOPLE. Does God call us to live in a constant place of awareness of our depravity? How does that help my family, my friends, and the world at large? My general sense and opinion is that many Christians (especially in the evangelical world) cannot see any goodness or beauty or strength in themselves or others because it feels somehow like that takes away from the acknowledgement of sin and the "flesh". I made the mistake recently of sharing some of my marital struggles with a friend out here who kept telling me to "live in the Spirit and not in the flesh". I am just not at a place in my life where that even appeals to me or makes sense. I AM IN THE FLESH. I am a woman God created with a mind, body, spirit, and soul and that means I have visceral reactions and emotions that are certainly not a symptom of not living in the Spirit. I find God often when I do things that are fleshly: when I run and the cold air fills my nostrils like some sort of spiritual crack-cocaine, when I dance and feel free and happy and restful, when Dan and I are intimate and our physicality transcends each other and reflects an extravagance that is good and pleasing to all our senses. Maybe it is cliche, but I find God and FEEL God in things that are very non-traditional, and maybe even a little bit depraved.

I am so angry at organized Christianity and the corporate church that I feel a hopelessness we will never find a community out here in Colorado that is not going to make me gag. That may sound arrogant, and yet that is my heart. It is all I can do not to roll my eyes or jump out of my chair when we have visited churches lately. I feel sad over the state of Christianity within the church and what the future holds. I struggle with the needs most people who follow God seem to have to "identify" with an organization, ministry, or label. I miss our church in Minneapolis and my community of people there. I feel that is what my life is missing, and yet I feel helpless to recreate that here.

I have really appreciated the comments some of you have left lately. The zinc, Al Franken, etc...I have felt loved in small ways and it has meant a lot.

Dan is going to be ponying up one of his free plane tickets to me eventually, so get ready for my depravity to descend upon you sometime in the near future.

Happpppy New Year

My resolutions are the typical cliche ones:

write more
read more
pursue more interesting people (As opposed to boring ones)
discover a new hobby (knitting? Indian cooking?)

I have declared this year my year of "personal ambition" because I am on a mission to prove to my husband that I actually have some! (You mean blogging along with intermittently taking care of children doesn't seem very ambitious?) I forgive you, honey, for your mean comments, but in the future, telling your wife that she could actually "be somebody" if she tried doesn't go over too well. Perhaps a future Onion headline: HUSBAND TELLS WIFE SHE COULD ACTUALLY BE SOMEBODY IF SHE TRIED AT THE SAME TIME SHE IS CHANGING POOPY DIAPERS

My Christmas gifts this year:

Some cool clothes from Dan from Banana Republic
A nice wallet
some earrings
the book _The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands_ by Dr. Laura "I am a pain in your ass" Schlessinger

Now, to receive that book from my husband wasn't my dream gift by any means. And, of course, Dr. Laura writes a bunch of stuff that is not true (uh, no, I don't think putting on lipstick and a big smile when Dan comes home from work is really going to solve my marriage problems). I do agree that most women shouldn't be nags (duh!), but to simplistically reduce men to wanting mostly "sex and an efficient household" in order for them to be happy seems ludicrous. I tried not to take it too personally--and after we discussed it, I realized he was just trying to be helpful--but I am thinking of what book I can get for Dan that would even come close.

Any suggestions?

On a far more serious note, I am humbled to live in safety and warmth this time of year when so many have been affected by the tsunami. I forget how we are all at the mercy of life's fragility, and tonight I pray that those who are mourning may experience a brief moment of peace or rest.